sometimes the only way to go is to just go on
by patientalien
Summary: Post-Endgame AU. Pepper has a gift for Thor, one he didn't even realize he needed.


It reminds him of the funeral rites of his people. Well, the old ones from when Asgard still existed. The wreath and the reactor set adrift on the lake, floating away as all those who had loved Tony Stark stood by in their grief. Thor Odinson shifts from foot to foot, uncomfortable and miserable, but for once that distinction doesn't set him apart from anyone else in attendance. He isn't surprised at how many people have turned out to say goodbye to Iron Man; for all his arrogance and bravado, Thor had known Tony Stark to be a good, honorable, man.

He stands there with everyone else for as long as he can possibly stand it, which is longer than some, but not nearly so long as others. His heart feels as though it is going to be crushed in his chest, and despite a general willingness to at least _try _to cope with things better than he has been the past five years, now doesn't feel like the right time to start changing anything. So he heads into the house, grabbing the first bottle of something alcoholic he can find and heading someplace where he can be alone for a little while.

Thor has always been a social creature, had always felt most at home in large, boisterous gatherings, surrounded by his friends and loved ones. Even with the Snap reversed, though, most of his friends and loved ones are still gone, and always will be. He'd gotten a chance to see Frigga again, but that's it, and it hadn't been long enough. It hadn't been nearly long enough. He'll never see Odin again, or the Warriors Three. When he returns to New Asgard, the population may be doubled, but there will still be no Loki. He had thought, had _really _thought, that he would be able to get Loki back. He'd been killed by - by _Thanos _\- so surely he should have come back. He'd kept expecting to look up to see a tall, slim figure dressed in black skirting the edges of the gathering today, but every time his eyes roamed, he came up empty. No, no resurrections this time. Maybe Loki is guiding Stark into Valhalla right now, maybe they're driving each other crazy trying to out-sarcasm one another in the Great Hall.

Or maybe they're just both gone. Thor sniffles and rubs his natural eye with the back of his hand, the gritty texture of his glove making it feel raw and irritated. He opens the bottle he'd liberated and takes a couple of sips, willing himself to calm down. It was bad enough that his friends had seen the state he's in, but there are people here expecting a very different Thor, and he can't give it to them. Not anymore, and maybe not ever again. He doesn't _want_ to be like this, but the alternative is simply too painful. He had been happy, mostly, until Bruce had showed up. He'd been _comfortable_, at least. And while he's glad to have come, glad to have helped in whatever small ways he had been able to (he knows that he could have dug in his heels and stayed home and the outcome would have been the same), and glad to have gotten validation from Mjolnir that his worthiness was, somehow, still intact… well, it would have been easier to stay away. He doesn't wish he _had_ stayed away, exactly, but he is feeling suffocated now.

"Thor?" A soft voice comes from the stairs behind him. Thor hunches his shoulders and grips his bottle in both hands, preparing himself to be lectured on how to act appropriately at a friend's funeral. _A friend you could have saved if you had just gone for the head the first time around_, Thor's nasty inner monologue (who sounds suspiciously like Loki sometimes) informs him. "Thor, its Pepper. Can I talk to you?"

Thor nods jerkily and then realizes he isn't sure Pepper can see him, so he manages to vocalize a strained, "Yeah." He doesn't deserve to have Pepper coming down here, unless she's here to tell him off for absconding with what tastes like a very expensive scotch. Surely she knows that he could have kept Tony alive. If _he _had been the one to use the Stones, if _he _had just _gone for the fucking head_ the first time… He knows they won. He knows what is in the past will stay there, that nothing he does now can fix what he didn't do then. That everyone else seems ready and willing to move on. And yet here he sits, hiding from his friends, crying into a dead man's scotch.

He hears Pepper's soft footfalls behind him and then she's at his side, a hand resting gently on his shoulder. "How are you feeling?" she asks as if it was Thor who had just lost the love of his life. Well, he _had_, but not _just_. Loki has been dead for five years, Stark dead for mere days. Pepper Potts has no reason whatsoever to ask Thor how he's feeling.

"Fine," he grunts. "I am… most sorry for your loss. He was, he was a good man." He raises the bottle to his lips, trying hard not to look at her so he doesn't have to see her disappointed, possibly disgusted, expression.

"He was," she agrees, and then her hand is on Thor's. "He had something for you that he wanted me to give you if he wasn't able to himself," she says, and Thor finds himself swiveling to face her, surprise blooming inside of him.

"For _me_?" he asks, pointing at himself incredulously. What could Tony Stark _possibly_ have to give him? Certainly not anything Thor is actually worthy of.

Pepper gives him a sad smile, and he finally looks at her full on. Her eyes are red and raw with tears, but she looks… almost hopeful. Very close to happy. To his surprise, she reaches up to slide the sunglasses off his face. "For you," she confirms, and hands him a set of what looks very much like… another pair of sunglasses. "These are a prototype. Tony wanted to be able to make them widely available to people in the mental health field, but they're not very cost-efficient to build so this is the only pair." She slides the glasses onto Thor's face and they still seem like regular sunglasses. "Want to know what he called it?" Her lips are quirked in amusement, so Thor nods, suddenly extremely curious as to what Stark has gifted him. "BARF," she says, and her quirked lips transform into a smile and Thor can't help the bark of laughter that escapes him. "It stands for Binarily Augmented Retro-Framing."

Thor furrows his brow because that phrase means exactly nothing to him, but Stark wouldn't have instructed Pepper to give this device - and it sounds like a rare and special device indeed - to him without a reason. "What does it do?" he asks.

Pepper's expression softens even more. "It's meant to help the wearer re-frame and work through traumatic memories. It - it worked for Tony. It helped him, a lot. And he thought- _we _thought - that it might be able to help you too." She reaches up to press something on the side of the glasses.

Suddenly, Loki is standing in front of him and Thor springs to his feet, moving towards him only to pass right through. A hologram, but a hologram that is giving him a smile. "It suits you," the hologram of Loki says, and Thor recognizes the background as his chambers aboard the Statesman.

Thor's eyes fill with tears. "Maybe you're not so bad after all, Brother," he hears his memory-self say.

"Maybe not," Loki agrees mildly, and Thor feels like his heart is in his throat.

"If you were really here, I might even give you a hug," Memory-Thor replies, turning to throw the decanter stopper at what he'd been sure was an illusion.

The stopper hits Loki's palm with a slap. "I'm here."

In reality, they had hugged, briefly, crushing themselves against one another, but interrupted before anything else could be said. And they hadn't had a chance to talk again at any great length before… before it was too late. But here in Tony Stark's garage, they embrace for much longer. In Tony Stark's garage, Thor says, "I love you," to Loki.

And Loki says, "I love you too. Never forget that, you stupid bilgesnipe."

Thor laughs, wetly, pushing the glasses up to wipe the tears from his eyes. Once he feels like he can speak without sobbing, he turns his attention back to Pepper Potts, who has tears streaming down her own cheeks. "_Thank_ you," he says, layering sincerity in his tone.

"They work best in conjunction with regular therapy and medication," Pepper tells him, "but I've already made an appointment for you at the place Tony went to. They're good. Discrete." She puts a hand on Thor's shoulder. "Stay here for a while," she requests. "Morgan's favorite stories were always the ones with the Mighty Thor in them, and I really…" She takes a deep, shuddery breath. "Taking care of Tony was my life's work," she says. "And now taking care of Morgan is my life's work. But I don't want her to know her father's family just through stories, and you need someplace stable to be for a while."

Thor wants to protest that he doesnt need therapy, or medication, or a more stable place than his filthy cabin in New Asgard to live until he figures out what to do next. But then Pepper might take away her gift, and Thor wants very much to see his brother again, even if it's just a holographic recording from his own mind. He already feels a little lighter, having rewritten a memory that has caused him pain and guilt. If he can keep doing _that_, maybe someday he could start to live again. "I would… like that very much," he agrees with a nod. He knows moving in here will probably come with some boundaries, especially with a grieving child's well-being to consider, but maybe that's for the best.

The relieved smile on Pepper's face tells him he has said what she had wanted to hear, and the smile he feels on his own face tells him he has made the right decision. It probably won't be an easy journey, but… well…he is Thor, and he is Mighty.


End file.
